One of the most essential skills we can impart to our little ones is how to manage their emotions. Some children need a little more help than others when it comes to managing their emotions, but teaching them how to understand and express their emotions healthily is a gift that will benefit them through to their adult lives.
1. Model Emotional Awareness and Regulation
Before teaching your little one how to manage their big emotions, it’s always a good idea to first consider your own emotional regulation, techniques you use, and how to handle different emotions. Our little ones learn so much from witnessing what we do, so it’s important to think about the emotional regulation they are seeing every day at home.
To help with this, we caught up with Dr Emma Svanberg, Clinical Psychologist, activist and author. She said:
“Some of the hardest moments in parenting are those (many) times that we are faced with the raw emotion of our baby, toddler or child and find a surge of emotion in ourselves in response. It is incredibly common to find that we are quite blind-sided by our own emotions, especially when our intention has been to respond in a different way. We might, for example, find ourselves angry when our baby is crying inconsolably, when we want to be feeling compassionate. Or we dissolve into tears when our toddler is raging. Or perhaps we find ourselves racing out of the room when our child is protesting something.
In my work as a clinical psychologist to parents, these are often the things they bring to therapy. The question ‘why can’t I respond to my child the way that I want to?’ And of course the guilt, shame, frustration that comes alongside this mismatch between our hopes and our reality.
Babies and toddlers are essentially little bundles of raw emotion, and these emotions can hit us very hard (sometimes literally!) Inevitably, especially when we are stressed and tired as we tend to be as parents, we respond with our own emotions. These can look like fight (anger), flight (run away), freeze (get stuck) and sometimes flop (just lie down and cry! Or, if we’re not able to do that, go through the motions but feeling numb and distant). But our reactions also get filtered through the lens of our own childhood and relationship experiences.
One of the most helpful things you can do if you would like to support your child with their own emotions, is to really learn about yours. What are your go-to emotional responses, especially in times of stress? Why? Where did you learn those strategies? Are they working for you?
We can dive a level deeper too and think about what sort of responses you would have received from your parents or caregivers when you were growing up. Sometimes when we are responding to our child’s emotions, we are actually responding to a very little part of us who wanted to be responded to in that way. Or we are responding automatically, in the way we ourselves were responded to. Knowing what drives our emotions and where they come from can help us separate out what belongs to us and what belongs to our child, so that we are able to meet them where they are.”
Children learn a great deal from watching the adults around them, especially their parents. If you want your child to manage their emotions effectively, start by modelling this behaviour yourself. Show them what it looks like to feel a range of emotions and how to handle them.
For instance, if you’re feeling frustrated, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated because we’re running late, but I’m going to take a deep breath and figure out how we can get there on time.” By verbalising your emotions and your coping strategy, you’re teaching your child that it’s okay to feel upset and that there are constructive ways to handle those feelings.
It’s also essential to acknowledge your child’s emotions, no matter how trivial they may seem. Saying things like, “I can see you’re feeling really sad because your toy broke,” helps your child feel understood and validates their emotions. This validation encourages them to express their feelings rather than bottling them up.
2. Teach Them to Recognise and Name Their Emotions
A great first step in managing emotions is recognising and naming them. For young children, this can be challenging as they might not have the vocabulary to describe how they’re feeling. This is where parents can step in to help.
Start by teaching your child the names of different emotions – happy, sad, angry, scared, excited, and so on. You can do this through books, games, or simply by pointing out emotions in everyday situations. For example, if your child is crying because they’ve lost a favourite toy, you might say, “It looks like you’re feeling sad because you can’t find your toy.”
Over time, encourage your child to name their own emotions. Ask them, “How are you feeling right now?” and if they struggle to find the right word, guide them with options. The goal is to help them build an emotional vocabulary so they can express themselves more clearly.
3. Create a Safe Space for Emotional Expression
Children need to know that their home is a safe space where they can express their emotions without fear of judgement or punishment. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, and make it clear that all emotions are valid – it’s how we handle them that matters.
If your child is upset, give them the time and space to express their emotions fully. Sometimes, this might mean letting them have a good cry or even a tantrum, as long as it’s in a safe environment. Afterwards, when they’re calmer, talk to them about what happened and how they might handle it differently next time.
It’s also helpful to create a “calm down” space in your home, where your child can go to relax and regulate their emotions. This could be a cosy corner with soft cushions, books, and perhaps some sensory toys. The idea is to give your child a designated space to retreat to when they’re feeling overwhelmed, where they can focus on calming down and regaining control.
4. Use Stories and Role-Playing to Teach Emotional Regulation
Children often relate better to stories and role-playing than to direct instruction. Use these tools to teach them about emotional regulation in a way that feels natural and engaging.
Read stories that deal with emotions, and discuss the characters’ feelings and actions with your child. Ask questions like, “How do you think the character feels right now?” and “What could they do to feel better?” This not only helps your child empathise with others but also gives them strategies to use in their own lives.
Role-playing is another excellent way to practice emotional regulation. You might act out a scenario where your child gets upset, and then model how to handle the situation calmly. For example, pretend that their favourite toy is missing, and then show them how to take deep breaths, ask for help, or use their words to express their feelings. The more you practice these scenarios, the more prepared your child will be when similar situations arise in real life.
5. Teach Problem-Solving and Coping Skills
A big part of managing emotions is learning how to solve problems and cope with difficult situations. When your child next faces a challenge, guide them through the process of finding a solution rather than simply fixing the problem for them.
Start by acknowledging their feelings and then help them identify the problem. Once the problem is clear, brainstorm possible solutions together. For example, if your child is upset because they don’t want to share a toy, you might ask, “What do you think we could do so that everyone gets a turn with the toy?” This encourages your child to think creatively and understand that there are often multiple ways to resolve a situation.
In addition to problem-solving, it’s important to teach your child coping skills for when things don’t go their way. Deep breathing exercises, counting to ten, or taking a break in their calm down space are all useful techniques. Over time, your child will learn to use these strategies independently, helping them manage their emotions more effectively.
Remember, it’s a learning process for both of you, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Head here for advice on Helping Your Baby Develop Healthy Eating Habits.