Today I am going to share with you a bit of a story. It is one which I have not shared previously on my blog either. As you may know, we already have a beautiful daughter Jess who is 4 in September. Last year we found out we were expecting again, to be truthful it was not at a good time for us. I had just finished university and we were in the process of moving house.
However, one night I knew something was not right I was in a lot of pain in my lower back and started to experience bleeding. We actually had an appointment the next day so I tried to sleep and not worry. The next day we found out that we were actually going through a missed miscarriage. We should have been 12 weeks, however; the baby had sadly passed away at 9 weeks. I felt numb, sad and also guilty. I had known it has not been the right time for us however, I did not wish to lose the baby. We actually were booked in for a medically managed miscarriage in a few days' time. I remember the date was the 5th of June 2018. We had to stay in the hospital for 6 hours after the tablets had been administered. I had not expected to be in so much pain however, it was not a nice experience at all. That day I also got my dissertation result meaning I could work out my overall university grade.
Since having the miscarriage last year, I have been scared about it occurring again. I know this is something which scared Joe as well. I actually lost 1/4th of my blood during a postpartum haemorrhage with Jess. Of course, this did result in me not having a good time. Apparently, I actually passed out and my mum thought she was going to lose me. Of course, the miscarriage ended in the last pregnancy. I was scared that something was going to go wrong with this which is never good. As a result, we did a few things different this time around. I am going to share them with you this now.
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The first thing we did was not tell anyone about our pregnancy unto we had our 12-week scan. I wanted to make sure that there was nothing wrong with the baby and that there was a heartbeat. To be honest we did not even tell our close family. As I do not think we would have been able to tell them if anything had gone wrong this time. We did manage to tell them shortly after our 12-week scan.
We did not want to speak about the baby much either. We actually came with a name for the baby a code word almost this has become player 4. It felt safer than actually getting attached to the baby and finding out that we would not have a small baby in our arms in January. Sometimes this is a name which we still use now I am sure this could become a long-time nickname for the baby.
I did not allow us to purchase anything for the baby either. I did not want to get my hopes up and look at baby stuff because I knew that I would want to purchase things. It would have broken me I think which is not something which we wanted to happen. I avoided baby things as much as I could even YouTubers who had recently had a baby or who were pregnant.
Even now in the second trimester, after seeing the baby on the scan. I am convinced that there is going to be something wrong. I think I am not going to feel comfortable till the baby is here safely in our arms. There is always going to be a worry and this is not something which we can get away from. I believe that our angel baby is looking after the rainbow one until we actually get them in our arms.
If any of you have had a baby after loss how did you cope? Did you do things differently?
Charlotte xx
