I always knew trying for my second child would take longer than with my first.
I was extremely lucky with my first, textbook you could say. Off the pill, 3 months of taking folic acid, 2nd month of trying and BANG, I was pregnant. Everything was straightforward and my daughter even came on her due date.
Why hasn’t it been this easy the second time? I wasn’t under any illusion that it would be the same. There is more stress the 2nd (or how many times round you do it) time round. There is less time on your hands while you juggle motherhood, work, partner commitments, less money etc. You get wrapped up in this bubble of “why has it not happened again?” or “what’s wrong with me?” adding to the stresses you already carry knowing this doesn’t help.
I never thought that peeing on an ovulation kit required a degree but if you don’t test at the right time and not see that line, or smiley face then it feels like another month wasted. I’ve even done my OPK’s in the toilets at work just to see if the morning would give me different results. Thank god no-one was in the cubicle next to me when I dropped it on the floor! And when you do get that line, nothing says passion killer more than showing it to your partner! You’d think it was every man’s dream to have sex every day but regimented intimacy does no-one any favours!
And when you are intimate, you hope and pray you got that one swimmer at the right time and spend the rest of the month living in a bubble for fear that one drink, one bite of pâté will undo everything. Quite frankly a few drinks are probably what I needed to relax a bit!
I never wanted my daughter to be an only child (I’m one of 4) and I see how she longs for a sibling, I long for it for her too. The comments from people who don’t know you’re trying or have been trying for some time “are you having any more?”, “you shouldn’t wait too long”, “it’s not fair to just have the one”, you just smile them off “Oh, we’re not in any rush” when you really want to scream!
Going to the Doctors was hard, as it was admitting my body isn’t working with me for something I long for. It makes you wonder if you’ve not done a good enough job with your first that Mother Nature is trying to tell you something! I’ve had 3 months of blood tests to check that I’m ovulating which I am but it’s so frustrating when the Dr’s confirm there is nothing wrong and it’s just “one of those things” or “you have to keep trying”. You’re glad there is nothing ‘wrong’ but you’re still left with no answers. The advice you get from all the forums is “don’t try so hard” and while I agree, it’s like a different language. The more you try and relax, the more you’re sucked into different methods that might promote another pregnancy. Should I buy this fertility bracelet? Should I sleep with Rose Quartz under my pillow? How much Spinach do I need to eat?
Everywhere you look someone is pregnant, or announcing pregnancy and you are genuinely happy for them but secretly miserable as well.
Not many people discuss secondary infertility yet it’s quite common (amounts to 50% of infertility cases). For you know there are people who struggle to even have 1 and would swap places with you in a second, which makes you feel guilty on a whole new level. You don’t want to appear greedy to the world for wanting more children when others aren’t so lucky but yet you can’t help what the heart desires.
