Having a toddler can be a testing business. On top of the seemingly never-ending accidents and tantrum fuelled episodes, they say some absolutely classic shit. I have to admit that most of the time, our boy has me in stitches, in honesty, he’s great company and he is funny as (you always say that about your own I guess!)
The thing is, there are times where he really knows how to get under my skin and my main concern is that at the ripe old age of 2 and a half, the little monkey really knows how to grind my gears - I thought I had a few years of peace left. The additional smirk adds insult to injury. I’m a patient man, but my kryptonite takes the form of just a few choice phrases that simply destroy me.
"Why?"
Potentially one of the most important questions you can teach your child to ask is why ...except if it is their answer to everything you say. I mean it doesn’t even make sense as an answer half of the time, but even when it is used correctly in context, the repeated response of “Why?” just gets to me. I’m not sure what it is inside me, but I also insist on answering to which I get the inevitable, “Why?” It really tests your ability to explain everything, especially the most common things in the world. My favourite was, “Oh look, it’s raining”...”Why?”...I mean, I don’t know why it rains, it just does (a lot). Is it normal to be outsmarted by a two-year-old? I think about answering literally sometimes:
Can you eat your dinner, please?
Why?
Because you’ll die if you don’t eat.
But I’m pretty sure that’ll do him no good...or he’ll ask, “Why?” and I won’t be able to explain.
"Now"
If I could trace back to the point where my son acquired the word “now”, I’d make sure that my next child was not exposed to the same event or stimulus. Dear God, how much pressure can a two and half year old bring to bear on an adult with just one simple temporal adverb? A lot it would seem...a serious amount in fact. There’s nothing more helpful than it being repeatedly said to you while you quite literally can complete the demanded task.
"Daddy"
I remember there was a day I dreamed of when my little boy called me daddy. It was magical for a time and I know that in years to come, I’ll look back at this and I’ll regret saying this...but when repeated at an ever-increasing volume until it reaches a crescendo, the word “Daddy” is torturous. My personal favourite is when I’m on a phone call whereI’ve been on hold for 30 minutes, and alas, just as the operator answers, it begins. A faint, “Daddy?” until the volume reaches a full, “DADDY!!!). It’s like they know when they can’t have your attention and they see it as a challenge.
"No"
How are toddlers so opinionated? The amount of times I hear no in a day is uncountable. It’s not even a nasty no - it’s a defiant no. I think the latter can be the one that is more annoying. It’s so unpredictable too. For example, you know when they’re offered their favourite snack and you’re trying to bribe them, you’ll get a, “No’. It’s so final too. Sometimes it feels like negotiations are over, even before they’re started.
"Can I?"
Now, this little number has been something that has risen in popularity recently. I’m not sure if it’s for effect, but the little warning it does give me before something catastrophic happens does my nerves no good. Stood on the third step, prepped to jump, “Can I?” No, obviously you can’t but me saying that isn’t going to...splat. I guess it’s good preparation for the teenage years, but I wasn’t ready for it so soon.
